Things Guidos Like: Beach Edition

FINALLY!  The first beach day of the year.  After sweating out all the toxins from the night before in Central Park, I was finally wicked excited to be back in Rhode Island swimming in the ocean and having a breeze to make the sweat more tolerable.  Obvi planned on hittin' up Narragansett within the first week I was here, because there is no better place for a high school reunion than the town beach.

There's also no better place to "guido-watch", because these people aren't people, they are a whole new species and they totally own it.

1.  Flexing Their Muscles

Nothin' turns the guidettes on more than a fellow guid slathering his meat with SPF 0 tanning oil.  These guys got muscles on top of muscles and waste no time showing them off to everybody and anybody.

2.  Crushing Coors Lite

Post Memorial Day weekend, schools out, good weather, and no lifeguards to fuck you up while your trying to fuck shit up = DARTY!  Besides showing off their muscles, guidos love to show off how many 30 racks they can crush over a day of partying, beach, and girls.

3.  Tattoos

I would say tattoos are pretty standard everywhere, but guido tattoos are on a whole new level of stupidness.  Chinese symbols that probably don't even say what they think it says, cursive lettering of someone's name, crosses when they probably never go to church, their last name, and obviously the Italian flag are all common guido tattoos to be found scattered across the beach.  Guidettes can be found sporting dumb flowers, butterflies, stars, and animal prints that look like skin disease.

4.  Piercings

To all the girls who are double digits in size and rockin a belly button ring, do WAY less please.  I'm sorry but if you want to be curvalicious than go ahead but please take the diamond cherries out of your navel.  Guidos also love to show off their nipple and many cartilage ear piercings that also look stupid.  Their exotic piercings are just another thing to add to their manly macho-ness.

5.  Tanning

Guido's have the tan before the tan.  I don't know how they do it... It's the beginning of June and they are already as bronze as my (cooked) turkey on Thanksgiving day.  Being in the sun all day just turns their skin into the the exact leather that is on my couch.  I can't wait to see what the future guid population looks like.

6.  Ed Hardy

Guidos consider Ed Hardy the warrior of the nation.  They don't know about any other designer except maybe Armani Exchange and love to rock the wild colors and stupid skulls.  Ed Hardy bathing suits take over the beach on days like today which makes your realize the reasons they are still in business.


Guido's overtake the beaches on day's like today and make it for prime people watching.  It's hard to miss them as they travel in packs with their neon tanks from Providence and other Northern parts of Rhode Island and even New Jersey.